Going Back Read online

  Tony White has had the advantage of having his old 8-mm home movie film to revisit over the years, so he had a pretty good idea of what it all looked like back in 1965. But touring around in an air-conditioned bus 40 years later brought an entirely new perspective to an old experience, as he explained:

  If you could subtract all that horrible ribbon development, which is obviously a plague upon the face of the province, it’s very much the same. But I tell you, when you were with the unit, distances were a lot greater. I mean, here we are whistling around and going up to Xuyen Moc in an hour. That was the sort of thing that you’d think, oh, that’s a big chopper ride. So the distances then appeared to be big, much bigger than they really are. I mean, we had just this tiny area when you think of it, and that run up to Binh Ba, which was quite a safari back then. It was a dirt track. So it was that sort of elasticity of distance which was the most noticeable thing to me.21

  Letting bygones be bygones

  Staff Sergeant Bob Hann returned to Viet Nam in 1993 on an organised tour with mates from Delta Company, 4 RAR. Bob was in a pilgrimage group that was invited to socialise with former members of the D 445 Battalion at Long Phuoc Hai, but he was a bit uncertain how he and his fellow grunts would be received. The reception was not quite what he expected:

  I came away with an immense respect for our former enemies. We were invited to share a meal and more than a few drinks with our former foes at what could best be described as a Viet Cong RSL. The hospitality shown to us by people so poor was incredible. Even now I pull out the photographs and ponder on what was a remarkable day. It was even more remarkable when you consider that their English was at least as fluent as our Vietnamese.22

  Bob found his own pilgrimage highly worthwhile:

  I recommend it to anyone prepared to listen. It is a beautiful country populated by hard working, cheerful people who could teach us a thing or two about making the best of what you have.23

  Another veteran on that tour was Garry Heskett. I was also present, and we too were stunned by the total lack of animosity or angst from the ex-Viet Cong soldiers. It may sound like a cliché, but when the eighteen soldiers from Delta Company 4 RAR and the group of D 445 men came together and sank a few—quite a few!—beers, and then shared a meal, we were indeed ‘brothers in arms’. The camaraderie was palpable. Stories were being told through interpreters, jokes were being shared and, in a few cases, bullet wounds were being shown. Garry said he came away from that meeting with:

  a feeling of self-achievement that I was able to locate and identify areas that for various reasons one way or another had an impact on me, which provided some closure. And finally—being able to share those experiences with former brothers in arms . . . I was impressed by the warmth of our reception from the majority of the people.24

  Peter Isaacs came halfway around the world from the United Kingdom to join his 5 RAR mates and found that the expectations and reservations he had quietly harboured did indeed manifest themselves after he arrived in country. He was glad he participated in the pilgrimage:

  The apprehensions I had have turned out to be entirely predictable and true because I thought there would be considerable urban sprawl which has turned out to be the case, and I never like to see forest destroyed and ghastly advertisements put up all over the place. It happens all over the world and why should this be the exception? I was pleased that Nui Dat was pretty well as I remembered it when we got there. That remains as it was then, and I have to say it’s been a moving experience.25

  But this scarred, hardened infantryman with one leg and one eye and several campaigns under his belt articulated another emotion that can also be felt—especially on the first trip back:

  I’ve actually felt a little detached somehow. On the one hand, over the last 39 years since we were here, it’s all seemed to be like yesterday on many occasions. Then one thinks about all the things that have happened in the middle and it seems a long time ago. Wandering round the places that we knew before, it has seemed a very long time ago. And it’s a bit like going back to school in a way. After all, we were—many of us—not that long out of school. I mean, I was 25 or so but, you know, young and impressionable. And now I’m not young and impressionable. So I’ve been detached and actually not as moved as I thought I would have been.26

  When the 5 RAR tour group visited the Long Hai Hills and were introduced to a former enemy officer, Peter was the only one in the group who avoided shaking the man’s hand. When later asked why, Peter explained his reaction:

  I had no wish to shake him by the hand. My memory of the Viet Cong is they were a ruthless and murderous bunch. When I flew into the three villages that used to make up Binh Gia in 1966, I was told by one of the three Roman Catholic priests that had accompanied the inhabitants on their long journey from North Viet Nam after the 1953 Accords that the Viet Cong had abducted one of the [village] headmen, taken him across the paddy fields into the forest to the north and the next day, invited the villagers to come and see him. The Viet Cong had cut his legs off at the knees and put him in an ant heap as an ‘example’ of what non-cooperation could result in. And whilst he may have been an ordinary soldier, I don’t know. And I didn’t shake his hand; I didn’t want to be rude, but, no. That is why I didn’t want to meet any former VC in the Long Hai Hills or anywhere else.27

  Those memories and perceptions are something that the pilgrim will have to confront. Yes, war is a brutal and horrific event, but this does not of course condone some of the cold-blooded atrocities perpetrated by the Viet Cong as a deliberate policy within their revolutionary warfare doctrine. Personally I’ve found it best to put the past behind me and move forward and accept the former foe as being similar to myself: ‘just a soldier doing his job’.

  Peter has reassessed how he looks upon his participation in the Second Indochina War.

  My reservations now are, after seeing the development that has taken place under a Communist regime, had we not come here it would probably have ended up like this anyway, because oil and gas would have been found and that is undoubtedly the life blood of the economy at the moment. I thought at the time we were right to come and fight. With the benefit of almost 40 years’ hindsight, I think maybe we shouldn’t have come here. It hasn’t made any difference. But at the same time I don’t regret it.28

  Another thing that upset Peter is that the government has apparently practically bulldozed into the ground many ARVN graveyards and cemeteries. It seems incredible that this would be done as a matter of policy, but it appears to be the case. As Peter noted: ‘I would like to have met some former ARVN soldiers, but they don’t exist in today’s Viet Nam. There are splendid memorials to the Viet Cong, but the graveyards of ARVN soldiers have been totally obliterated.’29

  Infantryman Bill Kromwyk has embraced the Vietnamese people in more ways than one, marrying a Vietnamese lady he met on a pilgrimage there in 2001, several years after he was divorced. The strongest emotion he came away with on his first visit was:

  The hospitality of the people, I think, and no sign of animosity. That really struck me. If you respect them they will be very hospitable and helpful to you, and okay watch out, because they are going to try and fleece you for every dollar that you have got.30

  Bill would urge veterans to ‘show respect—that is a big one. I think a lot of Australians have not been doing that, just from reports that I have had from other people, and remember that you are in their country.’31

  John Taske explained his own feelings after meeting a former Viet Cong soldier at Long Hai:

  I don’t know how the rest of the fellows think, but soldiers are soldiers—you’ve got a lot more in common sometimes with the enemy than you have with other people you meet, because they’ve been through the same things as you.32

  Similarly to Bill Kromwyk’s experience, described in Chapter 1, the fact that the enemy were ‘just blokes doing their jobs like us’ was driven home when John looked at a wallet retrieved from a dead Viet Cong sol
dier not long after he arrived in country in 1966. He recalled thinking, ‘God, poor bugger. He was just like us and now he’s gone. Some family’s missing him.’33

  Ron Shambrook met Lieutenant Hoang Ngan at Long Hai and reflected on his encounter:

  That was fine. He had a job to do in war and I had a job to do in war. I don’t have resentment against particular people. If I knew they were the ones who did the murdering and the torturing of civilians and people like that I would have a different view. But until I’m aware of that, he’s a fellow human being just doing his job.34

  To go or not to go?

  After returning for the first time in 1993, I can honestly say that I found it a healing process that allowed me to mentally move on. I felt more at peace after going back, and every subsequent visit has been more enjoyable, despite several unsettling incidents and run-ins with the Vietnamese bureaucracy over bungled permits in 2002. After that visit I did have terrible nightmares for a fortnight or so, which resolved with the help of counselling. I returned again in 2005 and had no flashbacks, nightmares or anxiety. Everything was fine, and I can’t wait to go back again.

  Veterans who have made the journey back have been tremendously impressed by the genuine warmth and friendliness of the Vietnamese people. Without exception all will tell you that the decision to go back is a highly personal one.

  Ian Ryan, a veteran from a former pilgrimage, put it rather colourfully:

  I would highly recommend going back to anyone. It is like putting the lid on a garbage tin properly. If you do not put it on fully and tightly, the smell of the rotting garbage just permeates your whole mind and soul. You can never get rid of the stench! [Going back] just puts closure on your life.35

  He added: ‘It was closure of a chapter in my life that had been conveniently tucked away in the back of my mind; [I was] hoping it would just go away with time. It never does.’36

  Tour guide and leader Garry Adams believes going back with men from your own unit works well. After leading dozens of tour groups, he remarked: ‘Groups like the 5 RAR pilgrimage officer group are excellent because they all know each other; they have been bonded for a long time, they have kept in contact and there are no hassles.’37

  Being accompanied by partners is something to consider as well. Garry Adams has seen groups with and without and he believes it is up to the veteran and their partner to decide, but he made this observation:

  Partners can be a big help in coming back to Viet Nam for some of the fellows, especially the ones who are a bit wobbly about things. Their partners generally tend to stabilise them. But then again you can get occasions, which I have seen, where the partners can be absolutely destructive. The boys want to go out and have a drink in a bar, or have a wander around with their mates and they are more or less shackled into their hotel rooms and not allowed to go. I have heard more than one or two decent old shouting matches in the corridors of hotels just purely because of that. So it can be double-edged, but I would say that 85 per cent of the partners who come back here are excellent, and then you get the other 15 per cent that should never have come. They should have just let them [their partners] come on their own. And if they come they should just shut up and let the fellers go to places like Long Tan and Nui Dat and enjoy themselves; just touch base there rather than [say], ‘Aw, what are we doing here? How long are we going to be here? Where are the toilets? What did we come to this place for?’38

  Women will also need to accept rudimentary conditions and toilets, but Gail Campling, who accompanied her husband Steve on a pilgrimage in 2002, offered this insight on the benefits of travelling with partners:

  It was a wonderful experience for me as I appreciated more what our troops went through. I would recommend partners go as well, but I could understand some veterans would find it even more confronting with their partners present. They may not want their partners to see them distressed or disturbed. I am sure Steve appreciated me being there, mainly to hear and see first-hand some of what he experienced. I don’t think he could possibly relate to me the emotions and experiences had I decided not to go. Going with the veteran provides love and support as well when they are confronted with their ‘ghosts’; someone to lean on that isn’t as affected (in the same way) as those around them [other vets].39

  The mateship experienced on the 2005 trip by the 5 RAR group was a special element that all the men commented on. As Paul Greenhalgh remarked, ‘What a wonderful group we had. I mean, it was just magic. I didn’t really know what to expect from them all. But we had no show ponies, no loud people. It just worked smoothly.’40

  Garry Adams points out that the 5 RAR group were also fortunate in that their area at Nui Dat is accessible, and this made for smooth sailing:

  They have seen what they want to see and we are probably lucky in some ways that the 5 RAR area is easy to get into and probably easier than some of the others. We couldn’t go back to 8 RAR’s area in Nui Dat or 3 RAR’s area because it is just off limits [D 445 Battalion military garrison]. And the areas that the first tour fought in or served in were all reasonably close in to the Task Force base and so in that sense it was easier for them to get around and have a look at things.41

  However, it won’t all be plain sailing. There will be times during a visit when the locals can get to you, especially the hawkers and beggars who push themselves upon Westerners. Regardless of season, weather or terrain they will hound, harass and follow the tourist to the ends of the earth. They will even follow your tourist bus from one site to another, waving their products at you as they drive along. The best strategy is to just grin and bear it and give a polite ‘no thank you’ (preferably in Vietnamese), and never enter into argument about price or other purchases you may have made—you will lose every time! Hawkers and beggars are right in your personal space from the moment you step out onto the footpath in any major town in Viet Nam, but it is part and parcel of touring in much of Asia. To stop and buy or simply haggle is akin to opening a jar of honey on a picnic; you will be hit with a swarm of T-shirt sellers, dodgy watch purveyors and the occasional pick-pocket. So buyer beware.

  Veteran Derrill De Heer has returned to Viet Nam several times, and would enthusiastically urge other veterans to consider making the return visit. However, he would encourage them to read up on the country beforehand, and ‘make an effort to understand the culture, religions, history. It’s rich and it’s great.’42

  As a final word, he added:

  But before you do, decide what you are going back for. You will not find the past. The population of the country is 80 million. There have been 40 million born since the war ended, and their young are not interested in their history, so don’t expect them to be interested in you. Go to enjoy, don’t go and be sorry for the past, move on, make it a positive experience for yourself.43

  The trick cyclist’s (psychologist’s) view

  Robyn Nolan is married to Viet Nam veteran and author Peter Nolan,44 whose brother also served in South Viet Nam with the SAS. Robyn holds a Masters degree in clinical psychology, and began working with veterans in 1981 when she was doing her internship at the Veterans’ Administration Hospital in Washington, DC. At that time veterans were quite young, and research was only just beginning on the subject of PTSD. Robyn dealt with Australian Viet Nam veterans from 1989 until she retired in 2005, and as a guesstimate has seen and worked with several hundred veterans during that time.

  I asked Robyn for her professional perspective on the possible reactions the veteran may experience on returning to Viet Nam, and she offered these observations.

  Well, when anyone goes back to a place that was important to them at any time, they have all sorts of reactions, from very enjoyable reactions—nostalgia and remembering the good times—but as well as that, remembering the bad times perhaps, that they might have had there. So it will just trigger memories and it depends on each veteran and each veteran’s experiences in Viet Nam as to how they will react to the situation.

  A lot of vet
erans have reported to me that they have found it a very healing experience, although they became distressed. Most said that they did become distressed at some point during their visit. Some felt annoyed at the way that the current Vietnamese talk about the war: in terms of them winning the war and the Americans and Australians losing the war. Although the veterans say they understand that, but at times, if they had been involved in a battle where friends were lost, then they found that very difficult. But others felt compassion towards the Vietnamese and in fact I know that some have actually taken on projects in Viet Nam to assist the Vietnamese. Others say they are surprised that Viet Nam has recovered from the war; many are surprised that there is very little left of where they might have been and that they have actually had trouble finding those places. They have looked for places of which they had memories.

  I think there has been a healing process for some in that they have [previously] avoided dealing with or thinking about Viet Nam. Others have dealt with it in a superficial way by mostly thinking about the good times, I guess, and trying not to think about anything that was difficult for them. To them, Viet Nam is as it was then, and when they return, actually confronting the reality of the situation as it is now, I think that changes them. And it also makes them recognise the reality of where they are now and how far they have journeyed.45

  On a visit back to Viet Nam in 2002, I was arrested along with tour leader Garry Adams and 3 RAR (second tour) veteran Bob McDonnell, and incarcerated in a holding room in the police station just south of where the battles of Coral and Balmoral were fought. This was somewhat ironic, as Garry Adams was visiting the spot to assist the local People’s District Committee to locate a mass grave at the Fire Support Base Coral battle site. It was an administrative mix-up in permits for sensitive sites, but the local police officer was adamant in holding us miscreants for an afternoon, and out of mobile telephone range of Ho Chi Minh City. Eventually, just before dusk, the problem was sorted out and we returned safely to Saigon. However, upon returning to Australia I suffered horrific nightmares for fourteen days and was concerned that one might become reality, so I sought medical help. After being referred to the Vietnam Veterans Counselling Service I was referred to a psychiatrist who diagnosed PTSD, and then referred to Robyn for counselling. Consequently I have come to realise what impact events can have on veterans and how they can be treated.